Are we all perhaps linked by invisible bonds? Do the actions of one affect others, even if those others are far away? Our lives and the universe itself may be all part of a single mechanism in which all creatures and events are 'entangled' with one another.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Recently Read

Light Before Day
by Christopher Rice

I just finished reading this book by Christopher Rice. Its the only book of his I've read and its quite good. Its a thriller with some strange twists thrown in. I got it from InsightOut, the gay/lesbian book club. Actually I only got it because I forgot to cancel the "Selection of the Month" which is automatically sent if you don't mail back the selection card or cancel at their website. But I'm glad I forgot to cancel because it turned out to be a very interesting story. I'd been meaning to read some of Christopher Rice's other books but just never got around to it.

I'm too tired to write any more right now but just thought I'd mention this book. The local gay community center has a lending library so maybe I'll donate this and some other books to them. Good night for now!

Saturday, May 28, 2005


I'm just so frustrated , confused and worried at the moment I just want to scream!
Its 5:30 AM and I just came home from a long walk I started at 4:15 because I had to get out of the house and try to think things out.
Its been a bad week for make it easier to follow, I'll make a list:

1) I've been looking for a new apartment because I'd like to move but most of of rents are too high for me to afford on my own. And I'm not the type of person who could take on a roommate unless it was someone I'd known for a long time. Living with a stranger would be too strange for me--that's just how I am.
2) I finally found a place that I plan to look at later today (have to meet the landlord at 2:30PM) and I have enough money to rent the place if I like it, BUT
3) I have absolutely NO WAY to move my stuff because I don't drive or own a car (no license either) and was counting on getting a friend to drive a rental truck for me (I would pay for it,of course), HOWEVER,
4) I CAN'T find my friend...there's no answer on his home phone (he doesn't have a cell phone) and when I went to his house, neither his nor his wife's car was in the driveway AND there's no one home! He also has a nephew who lives with him which leads me to another WORRY,
5) His nephew was born HIV+ and both his parents died of friend has raised his nephew since he was 9 years old (he's now 18) and recently the nephew was in the hospital for 2 weeks because he'd caught pneumonia so I'm worried something might have happened to him.
6) The only other thing I can think of is that maybe a relative of my friend or one of his wife's relatives died and they had to leave town to attend a funeral (also bad news).

I hope nothing has happened to my friend or anyone in his family, but I don't know how to find out. Of course my problem of finding an apartment is not too important in light of this and I feel a bit guilty even worrying about that if my friend is having problems.

All this is leading me to be VERY frustrated, sad and confused all at the same time...I just don't know what to do and I have NO ONE to even talk to! That's what happens when you don't make many friends I guess. I do have one other friend who I talked to briefly yesterday but he's in no position to help because he has problems of his own. He was injured on the job a few years ago and broke his hipbone and now has an artificial hip. Because of this he has been unable to work for the last few years and was getting disablity payments from the government. About 7 months ago, they cut off his disablity payments when he went to a eligibility hearing. He's living in his father's apartment and his Mom gives him a little money to help out. Like me, (even though he's straight and I'm gay) he's never been in a relationship with anyone, doesn't drive or own a car, and has few friends.

I'm feeling so alone and sad right now I just want to SCREAM!! I know I said that earlier but it bears repeating!
Damn Blogger!! It wouldn't post my whole piece so I had to split it into two--here's the rest...

Right now I'm seriously considering just packing a few clothes and leaving town for a few days --maybe go to New York City (its only 150 miles away by train) although I'm not sure what I'd do after I got there. I just feel the need to GO somewhere or DO something! I could use the money I was going to rent the apartment with since I don't think I'll be able to take the apt. anyway. How can I? If I have no way to move all my crap? I can't afford to hire movers, so that's out.

I think I might be going through a mid-life crisis even though I always laughed at others who said stuff like that...the last couple of months I've been reflecting on what a lousy life I've had up to now. I need to make changes and I was hoping a new apartment would be a good start . I've never have had a boyfriend and spend most of my time alone and only now it seems like I'm waking up to the fact that I'm really lonely and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this!
All the emotions I've kept bottled up for so many years seem to be coming out right now--I've cried more in the past couple of months than all the previous years of my life, I think. I won't even watch the news because there are too many sad stories on it. At least having this blog has allowed me to express myself a little.

I know this is getting a bit long but I had a lot I had to get out. I still don't know what to do about the apartment I have to look at later today. If I take it I have no way to move and if I don't take it I'm going to feel trapped where I am. Maybe it will be a really crappy place and I won't want it! That's my only hope-- Obi-wan! (See I haven't lost my sense of humor at least)

Thanks to those of you who took the time to read this long rant. I guess I'll just have to figure this all out on my own.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I'll Miss You, My Friend (click here)

For those of you who read his blog probably already know, Ryan has decided to end his blog . I guess all the hate and anger directed towards him of late is what made him come to this decision.

I understand and support his decision because he shouldn't have to put up with such intolerable abuse. I only know Ryan through his writing but he has influenced me in my own life. His willingness to share his life and feelings inspired me to start my blog as well as attempt to make some changes in my life.

I take the idea of friendship very seriously and don't bestow the title of "friend" to very many, but I am pleased to call Ryan my friend.

May The Force Be With You, Ryan....

Stressful Time

I'm feeling streessed out at the moment. The two guys who own the building I live in were here last Saturday to do some repair work on the front of the house. Turns out it's going to be a bigger job than they thought. They say they may have to completely re-do the front of the building. Also they said they'd like to do some interior work as well if they have to do the outside. The problem for me is I'd have to move out for at least 3 weeks while the work is being done. They did say they'd put me up in a hotel if necessary, which is nice, I guess.

The thing is I feel very uncomfortable when I'm not at home--my apartment is my "fortress of solitude" (Superman reference) and about the only place I feel safe and content. As I've mentioned here before, I spend most of my time at home. And maybe I'm being paranoid, but I suspect they would like for me to move out entirely so they could re-rent the place, after the work is done, at a higher rate than what I'm paying. There are apartments similiar in size here that rent for $100-125 more than my current rent. I wouldn't even mind so much if they raised my rent, even though I can't afford a lot more.

I've already called about a couple apartments up for rent, but haven't heard back from the owners yet (I want to be prepared just in case I do have to move). I'm probably freaking out for nothing but I like to be prepared for things rather than be surprised. Yeah, I know I'm insecure and usually over-think things but that's just how I am.

Moving would be a real hassle for me because I don't own a car and also have a lot of books and stuff that would have to be packed. I'd have to rent a truck and call a friend to drive it for me. Even if I only have to move out for a few weeks, it will still be stressful because I'll be away from my computer (its a little too big to take to a hotel), and all my other "security blankets"--like my books. It might actually do me good to get away from my safe little "fortress" but it still won't be all that pleasant for me.

To make matters worse, its been raining here all week and is expected to continue cool and wet right through this coming weekend. And all this gray dampness has a depressing effect on me after awhile. I keep telling myself--only 12 more years until I can retire and move to some warm peaceful place, though where that might be I'm not sure yet. Any suggestions, anyone?

Its times like this when I most miss not having a boyfriend to calm me down and maybe give me a hug to make me feel safe.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Unconditional Love

Loving someone is no guarantee that one day that person won't leave. There is no choice in the matter. You must give your love freely, and without strings attached. If you go towards people always asking for guarantees or protection, you will make them feel that you don't trust them. In turn, they won't trust you. It's a vicious cycle, and the only way out is through giving your heart unconditionally...

The lines above are from a horoscope that was on my MSN page yesterday. Now I don't believe in astrology AT ALL, being more of a scientific thinker, but these words caught my attention. I know one of the reasons I've never been in a relatonship is due to the fact that deep down, I fear that if I allow myself to fall in love with someone, someday that person will leave me. And I don't honestly know if I could cope with such a loss. Especially if we'd been toghether for a long time. I know many people have suffered through such losses in their lives and gone on, but my fear is that I would suffer a mental or emotional breakdown that I might never recover from.

Now I know maybe that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it is my deepest fear, I think. Even though I hide my emotions and pretend nothing bothers me, the truth is that I really have a hard time keeping those emotions under control. When I care for someone, they are always in my thoughts and I want to do anything I can to make them happy. Maybe because I don't open myself up to many people, when I do they become the focal point of my life.

Maybe this is normal, I don't know, not having had any real experience in such matters.

When I started this blog I wrote that "This time...its personal" but I realize that I have gotten sidetracked and haven't really been all that revealing about myself. That may be another reason I haven't ever met anyone. I spend most of my time inside my apartment, surrounded by my books and TV and now the internet...hard to meet someone under those circumstances!
Hiding in my fantasy worlds where everything is perfect and the outside world seems more like a fantasy. I know I have to get out more and try to meet people, but its a bit (meaning, a lot:) ) scary to me. Talking to people I don't know is very difficult for me--my brain seems to "crash" like a computer with too many programs running.

Actually the internet has helped me in a way to realize this, so its not all bad. Reading others' blogs and being able to write down my own thoughts seem to have helped me to see that there's a world outside my small apartment. Just chatting with someone and sending/receiving e-mails has given me more of a desire to want more human contact, I guess. I am going to try to overcome my fears and get out more, though where and when I'm not sure at the moment.

Next month there are several Gay Pride events scheduled here in Albany and I have to make a real effort to attend at least a couple of them. Maybe I still won't have the nerve to talk to anyone, but at least I'll be around other people. And who knows, perhaps someone will take the time to speak to that strange new guy who's hanging around :)

See how I ramble on once I get started--first I say next to nothing, then I don't know when to stop...I'll keep anyone who might be reading this informed on my progress. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Next Step In Online Porn?

Reach out and touch someone...this item on Slashdot from a Wired News report is about the development of a system that allows actual physical touch over the internet. Work on a haptic suit (suit with tactile sensors embedded) for humans is scheduled to begin in August with the first prototype about a year away. So start saving up now! :)

Posted by samzenpus on Wednesday May 18, @11:40PM

from the we-all-know-what-this-is-for dept.
Ant writes "Wired News reports researchers have developed a cybernetic system to allow physical interaction over the Internet. The system allows touching and feeling of animals or other humans in real time, but it's first being tried out on -- chickens. The Touchy Internet Built was by a wacky group of researchers at the Mixed Reality Lab at the National University of Singapore (NUS)."

The Wired News story has some photos of the chicken-touching interface, if you're, uh, into that sort of thing. Personally, I'm not that desparate for companionship!

Virtual Reality Chicken Interface Posted by Hello

Chicken with its "haptic vest". Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Building A Boyfriend Posted by Hello

Just Call Me Dr. Frankenstein

Since I haven't yet had a boyfriend, I've decided to build my own from scratch. Hey, if Dr. Frankenstein could build a man, why can't I? I just hope mine turns out to be better looking than Frankenstein's monster. And NO neck bolts, please...
I've found a set of eyes to start with and will work from there until I finish him.

See what happens when you stay up half the night and don't get enough sleep? Your mind starts to turn to Jello and you dream up weird stuff like this! :)

I've really have got to spend less time on the computer and get out more often...maybe I'll take a trip to the graveyard for some spare parts. Whoooa! I meant to say I'm going to the mall...yeah...that's it...the mall....HA HA HA...(now no one will suspect a thing). Wait a minute--did I just think that or did I write it?

Oh Oh....the sun is coming up...I better postpone that trip to the grav...uh...mall until later when the stores open.

With strange thoughts like this is it any wonder I keep to myself?

Monday, May 16, 2005

Warrior Of The Light Posted by Hello

Friday, May 13, 2005

Just came back from a walk to the grocery store early this morning...Brrrrr...still feels like winter here in Albany. We get an occassional warm day in the 70's, then it goes back to 40's or 50's. And I HATE cold weather! I'm looking for a small tropical island to retire to where its always warm...the Northern Marianas Islands seem like such a place. They're a tiny island group close to Japan that the United States took control of during World War II. Now they are a commonwealth of the US. Tourism is the main industry...hey, maybe I can move there and open a small gay bed and breakfast inn! Special discount to my fellow gay bloggers, of course :)

Love the early morning hours! Its so peaceful and quiet out and the air is so much fresher than later when all the traffic gets going. I usually wake up about 3 AM, watch Attack Of The Show
on G4TechTV,--a program about computers and tech--also has a couple cute guys on it :) , switch on the coffeepot using the Radio Shack X10 remote near my bed, then ususlly get up to turn on the computer monitor and fetch my coffee. The computer itself is already on because I usually leave it on running SETI@Home ,a program that analyzes data from the Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence research program. (I'm looking for a signal from my home planet)

When the weather finally warms up I'll probably take an early morning walk, maybe stop in a park I leave near, then return home for breakfast. Never can eat when I first wake up, I need to wait a couple hours at least. Today's my last day of work--I'll be off for the summer *YAY!*-- so the rest of my day is mostly unplanned. How's that for an exciting life? Ha Ha
On the bright side, if I ever do find a boyfriend, I'll have plenty of time to devote to fulfilling his every desire ;) !

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Neutron Stars Merging Posted by Hello

Black Hole (artist's conception) Posted by Hello

Black Hole Created!

This story was reported on May 9th; I'm just a little slow posting it here

Astronomers photographed a cosmic event this morning which they believe is the birth of a black hole, has learned.
It occurred 2.2 billion light-years away which means it actually took place 2.2 billion years ago and the light is just now reaching us here on Earth. (A light-year being the distance light travels in a year.) Scientists believe the black hole was created by the merging of two neutron stars.

I love stories like this because if it were possible, I'd leave Earth in a heartbeat if I could travel throughout the galaxy. While some people might think this a bit strange, I have always felt like I belonged somewhere "out there" rather than here on Earth. As a kid. I followed the early space program and would even stay home from school just to watch a manned rocket launch. I even had a scrapbook with newspaper clippings from each space flight. One day while in grade school (I think around the 4th or 5th grade) when the teacher was taking the roll call and reached my name, she remarked "Well, Martin I might as well mark you absent for tomorrow since there's a space launch scheduled". She knew I'd be home watching the liftoff!

The universe is such a vast and fascinating place that to me, at least, the events that occur on Earth seem to be insignificant in comparison. Maybe its that I just want to escape from the terrible things that sometimes occur here or maybe I'm just "detached" from life around me but if it were possible I'd pack my bags and leave today to travel throughout the galaxy or elsewhere in the Universe. I'd go alone if that was the only way but if someone wants to come along, I think I can find room on my spacecraft for at least one other person. But don't plan on returning to Earth anytime soon--there's too much to see "out there".

Monday, May 09, 2005

Test I Just Took On

Very Introverted
Congratulations! You scored 91!

You prefer your own company or that of your partner's. You don't have
many friends, but the ones you do are the kind that are loyal. You're
always misunderstood as being grumpy, but often it's that you simply
don't care to talk. If people constantly question your mood, it can
actually make you grumpy and you wish they'd stop asking if you're
Ideally, you'd prefer to be in a vocation where you can work alone. A
quiet night with a book, movie or computer is preferable to going out
and battling with a crowd of people lined up at the popular nightspot
in town. You're a deep thinker and thrive on analysing life, current
events and your own original views. You're mature for your age.
If financially viable, you'd rather live alone (or with significant
other) and don't like many visitors.
Compared to an extrovert, you're cooler and probably less neurotic. You
can be trusted with a secret.
Change is probably something that you don't embrace a lot, as you
prefer familiar and routine. You won't have nearly as many jobs as an
extrovert. They get bored easily.
I like you.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Introvertpints
Link: The Introvert/Extrovert Test written by MidniteButrfly on Ok Cupid
Some of the tests on OKCupid are a bit silly but this one describes me pretty well.

Spurs spank Sonics; Allen, Radmanovic hurt

Now, I'm not a sports fan but if I'd known this was going on, I'd watch the game!

Spurs spank Sonics; Allen, Radmanovic hurt

I saw this headline while surfing around this morning and thought...hey! what if this was how they ended each game? The losing team has to line up and the winning team pulls down their shorts and spanks them on national TV! It would certainly motivate the players to do their best to win if they knew this was going to happen. Number of spanks determined by the difference in the scores, of course, which might lead to much closer-scoring games.

I'm sure the TV ratings would go up quite a bit!

Just a random thought I had early this morning and figured I'd put up it here...

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Buy One Nuke, Get Second Half-Price!

Nick's Grand Opening Event Posted by Hello

New Store In Town

Ok, so there's not really a store selling nukes in Albany; I just have a warped sense of humor.
I found this Photoshop image some time back but can't remember the site name right now; when I find it again I'll post a link. I use this as my wallpaper image sometimes.

Haven't posted much this past week because I recently upgraded to WindowsXP from Windows98 and had to re-install several programs to get them running right again. Still haven't gotten my bookmarks back into Firefox even though they're still on the computer...WindowsXP moved them to a new folder for some reason when it installed and I can't seem to get them back where they belong. Other than that XP seems much more stable than 98; system doesn't lock up or crash as it sometimes did in 98.

Only got a PC in December 2004 so I've been trying to upgrade as quick as I can. Usually I'm a bit ahead when it comes to technology and computers but this time I'm sort of playing "catch up". I had an Commodore VIC-20 computer way back in 1982, a Commodore 128 in 1985 and finally a Commodore Amiga 500 in 1990. Talk about brand loyalty! Commodore has been out of business for many years now. I still own the C-128 and Amiga 500. One day I'll post a piece on my old computers, giving the tech specs on them. For instance, the VIC-20 had a whopping 5K of RAM...not 5 GB or even 5 MB, just 5K! And a cassette tape drive to store your programs on..It only took about 20-30 minutes to load a program!

You might find it interesting to see how far the technology has come. Or maybe you couldn't care less! Maybe I'm the only computer geek on here...let me know if you'd like to know more.

One more week at my crappy job and I'm free for the summer...Wheee!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Time Traveler Convention

The Time Traveler Convention
May 7, 2005, 10:00pm EDT (08 May 2005 02:00:00 UTC)(event starts at 8:00pm)
East Campus Courtyard, MIT
42:21:36.025°N, 71:05:16.332°W
(42.360007,-071.087870 in decimal degrees)

Massachusetts Institue Of Technology (MIT) is holding a convention for Time Travelers and is requesting people to publicize the event so that future time travelers will be aware of it and can travel back to attend.

I thought I'd help out in a small way by posting a notice here--for more details, visit the title link above.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Up For Parole

Yes, soon, in just 2 more weeks, I will be "paroled" from my job, at least until September. I work in food service at a college campus and we close down for the summer so --YAY!-- a nice long vacation is coming!
Now while most people wouldn't be so happy to lose their jobs, I have to admit that's one of the main reasons I stay at mine. It doesn't pay much, its boring, and can be very frustrating at times, but at least I get a lot of time off.
OK, so there are a lot of cute boys to look at while I'm there, but most times I'm too busy to really appreciate the view. I've been there over 12 years now but I tend to stay put somewhere once I get there--I worked at a previous job for 15 years! Just not the adventurous type I guess or maybe I'm just not that ambitious--I'm not sure. Although I am not lazy, that's for sure, I don't even take lunch/coffee breaks that I'm entitled to at my job...I like to make certain that everything is done right and I guess I don't trust others to do do the same.

Well enough about my boring to this summer, I have no real plans. I can't afford to travel anywhere so I'll be staying close to home, as is usual for me. I probably will be posting here quite a bit--I've become a tad addicted to my little blog--and I enjoy reading others' blogs as well. I feel I have opened myself up a little more than any other time in my life just by writing about some things here that I never would have had the guts to say out loud.

As I told about in a previous post, I was very lucky to have found a nice computer someone decided to throw away. I still can't believe anyone would just toss it out to be collected as trash! I guess they must not have known a lot about computers or maybe it just didn't run right for them or something. I will give the poor little orphaned computer a good home, though He seems quite happy here so far :) Later I plan to network my old computer up to him so he'll have a friend to play with. I also recently got a copy of Windows XP to install so he'll have a nice new operating system to replace his old Windows98.

Boy, guess I really need to get out more often--I'm starting to develop a crush on my computer! ;)
(Well, he is kinda cute...)

Perhaps this summer maybe I'll finally get up the courage to go somewhere to meet some actual people, who knows?

To my fellow bloggers: Thanks for sharing your lives (both the good and bad parts)--you've inspired me and given me hope that we ALL can improve our lives and take on new challenges in the future. I feel a connection to many of you...must be those Quantum Entanglements that link us together.