Are we all perhaps linked by invisible bonds? Do the actions of one affect others, even if those others are far away? Our lives and the universe itself may be all part of a single mechanism in which all creatures and events are 'entangled' with one another.

Saturday, May 28, 2005


I'm just so frustrated , confused and worried at the moment I just want to scream!
Its 5:30 AM and I just came home from a long walk I started at 4:15 because I had to get out of the house and try to think things out.
Its been a bad week for make it easier to follow, I'll make a list:

1) I've been looking for a new apartment because I'd like to move but most of of rents are too high for me to afford on my own. And I'm not the type of person who could take on a roommate unless it was someone I'd known for a long time. Living with a stranger would be too strange for me--that's just how I am.
2) I finally found a place that I plan to look at later today (have to meet the landlord at 2:30PM) and I have enough money to rent the place if I like it, BUT
3) I have absolutely NO WAY to move my stuff because I don't drive or own a car (no license either) and was counting on getting a friend to drive a rental truck for me (I would pay for it,of course), HOWEVER,
4) I CAN'T find my friend...there's no answer on his home phone (he doesn't have a cell phone) and when I went to his house, neither his nor his wife's car was in the driveway AND there's no one home! He also has a nephew who lives with him which leads me to another WORRY,
5) His nephew was born HIV+ and both his parents died of friend has raised his nephew since he was 9 years old (he's now 18) and recently the nephew was in the hospital for 2 weeks because he'd caught pneumonia so I'm worried something might have happened to him.
6) The only other thing I can think of is that maybe a relative of my friend or one of his wife's relatives died and they had to leave town to attend a funeral (also bad news).

I hope nothing has happened to my friend or anyone in his family, but I don't know how to find out. Of course my problem of finding an apartment is not too important in light of this and I feel a bit guilty even worrying about that if my friend is having problems.

All this is leading me to be VERY frustrated, sad and confused all at the same time...I just don't know what to do and I have NO ONE to even talk to! That's what happens when you don't make many friends I guess. I do have one other friend who I talked to briefly yesterday but he's in no position to help because he has problems of his own. He was injured on the job a few years ago and broke his hipbone and now has an artificial hip. Because of this he has been unable to work for the last few years and was getting disablity payments from the government. About 7 months ago, they cut off his disablity payments when he went to a eligibility hearing. He's living in his father's apartment and his Mom gives him a little money to help out. Like me, (even though he's straight and I'm gay) he's never been in a relationship with anyone, doesn't drive or own a car, and has few friends.

I'm feeling so alone and sad right now I just want to SCREAM!! I know I said that earlier but it bears repeating!

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