Loving someone is no guarantee that one day that person won't leave. There is no choice in the matter. You must give your love freely, and without strings attached. If you go towards people always asking for guarantees or protection, you will make them feel that you don't trust them. In turn, they won't trust you. It's a vicious cycle, and the only way out is through giving your heart unconditionally...
The lines above are from a horoscope that was on my MSN page yesterday. Now I don't believe in astrology AT ALL, being more of a scientific thinker, but these words caught my attention. I know one of the reasons I've never been in a relatonship is due to the fact that deep down, I fear that if I allow myself to fall in love with someone, someday that person will leave me. And I don't honestly know if I could cope with such a loss. Especially if we'd been toghether for a long time. I know many people have suffered through such losses in their lives and gone on, but my fear is that I would suffer a mental or emotional breakdown that I might never recover from.
Now I know maybe that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it is my deepest fear, I think. Even though I hide my emotions and pretend nothing bothers me, the truth is that I really have a hard time keeping those emotions under control. When I care for someone, they are always in my thoughts and I want to do anything I can to make them happy. Maybe because I don't open myself up to many people, when I do they become the focal point of my life.
Maybe this is normal, I don't know, not having had any real experience in such matters.
When I started this blog I wrote that "This time...its personal" but I realize that I have gotten sidetracked and haven't really been all that revealing about myself. That may be another reason I haven't ever met anyone. I spend most of my time inside my apartment, surrounded by my books and TV and now the internet...hard to meet someone under those circumstances!
Hiding in my fantasy worlds where everything is perfect and the outside world seems more like a fantasy. I know I have to get out more and try to meet people, but its a bit (meaning, a lot:) ) scary to me. Talking to people I don't know is very difficult for me--my brain seems to "crash" like a computer with too many programs running.
Actually the internet has helped me in a way to realize this, so its not all bad. Reading others' blogs and being able to write down my own thoughts seem to have helped me to see that there's a world outside my small apartment. Just chatting with someone and sending/receiving e-mails has given me more of a desire to want more human contact, I guess. I am going to try to overcome my fears and get out more, though where and when I'm not sure at the moment.
Next month there are several Gay Pride events scheduled here in Albany and I have to make a real effort to attend at least a couple of them. Maybe I still won't have the nerve to talk to anyone, but at least I'll be around other people. And who knows, perhaps someone will take the time to speak to that strange new guy who's hanging around :)
See how I ramble on once I get started--first I say next to nothing, then I don't know when to stop...I'll keep anyone who might be reading this informed on my progress. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.