Tears In The Purple Rain

Earlier this morning while channel surfing I came across the movie "Purple Rain" starring Prince. I watched the last half that was playing and it reminded of an earlier time in my life. This isn't meant to be a movie review, I'll leave that up to Tallulah, but the music is the best part of this film. The title song, "Purple Rain", in particular speaks to me because it reminds of someone I once and still do, I guess, cared for very much. But I was young and scared, unable to express my love for him. I hadn't come out yet, not really even to myself, and couldn't bring myself to tell him how much I cared for him. Some day soon I hope to tell the rest of the story here, but right now, its still too emotional for me to talk about.

So I sat here earlier, crying like a schoolgirl, over lost loves and lost opportunities, something I sure many reading this can relate to. The last two weeks or so, though it seems like much longer, have been a strange time for me.
Since I started this blog, I've read several other's blogs and have chatted with or e-mailed a few people. I've made some new friends who made me laugh and also cry at some of the terrible things that have happened to them in their lives.

I don't think I've felt as much emotion in my life up to now as I have in these past couple of weeks. Throughout my day I find my thoughts turning to my new friends and hoping they're doing well. I even went out two days ago to buy a new pre-paid cel phone in the hopes of someday talking to some of these new friends--and in the past 30 years, I've only owned a phone for about 2 years, believe it or not!
I've printed the lyrics to "Purple Rain" below, if anyone hasn't heard the song.
The last thing I want to say right now is this--if you're with someone you love now go give them a hug and a kiss and if there's someone you care for, tell them how you feel. Don't let time past you by and live to regret it later.

Purple Rain (click to hear song)

I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby, I could never steal u from another
It's such a shame our friendship had 2 end
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain
Honey, I know, I know, I know times r changing
It's time we all reached out 4 something new
That means u 2
U say u want a leader
But u can't seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain...I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
In the purple rain

Starchildren

The light from a supernova is the brightest light in the known universe. The light from a supernova can travel hundreds of billions of miles through space, reaching us here on this tiny planet Earth. When a star explodes into a supernova it expels many elements, elements that eventually will form other stars, planets, and yes, even is part of us.
Past supernova explosions emitted particles that helped create our solar system, the sun, Earth and other planets. Some of that stardust is within each of us so we are indeed Starchildren....while our light may not reach the intensity of a supernova, we all have a piece of starlight inside to light our way through the darkness that would seek to overwhelm us at times.
Perhaps if we could combine all our inner lights, we could shine as bright as any supernova ever has...at least this is my wish--that one day Humanity will shine as brilliantly as the brightest supernova in the Universe!

Let The Light Shine On 

My World 

Departure Time

What time does the next flight off this planet leave? I'd like to book a reservation on it.
As someone who has lived much of his life in books and a fantasy world of my own creation, I've often dreamed of boarding a spacecraft and traveling to far reaches of the universe. Why this dream? I'm not sure..maybe to find a world where the inhabitants have advanced beyond the primitive animalistic state the Human race seems to remain stuck in. A world in which the people don't hate or judge each other because of such superficial traits as the color of their skin, their personal beliefs, or whom they chose to love.
I like to think myself an optimist, but this optimism, like an old stone wall lined with the cracks of age, suffered another such crack recently when I read of the senseless violence directed against an innocent and tender soul.
I speak of course of the attack on Ryan whom I have known but a very brief time and chatted with only twice. That brief contact, as I've mentioned before in this blog, is what inspired me to start this site. I've lived most of my life avoiding contact with others, not wanting to know them and not letting them get to know me, but this random internet encounter with Ryan opened a small crack in MY wall. He seems to be so open, caring and compassionate towards others, (in other words, the complete opposite of me), that I actually experienced an emotion or two, a rare event in "my world".
Why anyone would want to harm someone like this is something I can't begin to understand--the "creatures" responsible aren't worthy of the title "Human" because they have not yet evolved to that state.
Are these the random thoughts of a madman? Perhaps...the rules in "my world" may be different than the ones on this tiny speck of a planet called Earth.

Oh , excuse me, I think they just announced my flight number; I have to board my ship. Thanks for listening to my ramblings...Gotta run!

I hope you feel better soon, Ryan. Maybe we'll talk again when I return from "my world" off in the distant reaches of space.

Response to Craziness

I recently read Mike's post on his site "Dazed and Confused" titled "Craziness" in which he describes the tragic loss of his brother due to alcoholism. This brought to mind my own older brother's death due in large part to drinking as well. My brother, who was 17 years older than me, was one of the kindest people you could meet, the kind of person who would help anyone without expecting anything in return. He didn't start drinking until he was 24 years old (at that time the legal age was 18), mainly I believe just to "be one of the gang" and hang out with some friends he'd met. He was a fairly quiet, probably somewhat shy guy and this I think made him feel more a part of the action going on around him. He never was married and I believe only had maybe one or two girlfriends for brief periods. My brother died a few years ago at the age of 59, mostly from the effects of alcohol and smoking. At one point in his life, his drinking had gotten to the stage where he was living homeless on the street for over a year --I tried during this period to help him, allowing him to stay with me so he wouldn't be on the street in the dead of winter. But he continued to drink and would come home in the middle of the night and no amount of persuasion would get him to seek help for his problem. I finally reached the point where I told him he'd have to quit drinking and get help or leave, hoping that maybe this would maybe be the thing that would persuade him to seek help, for when he was sober, he seemed reasonable and would even agree that he had a problem. But this too failed to move him to seek treatment and he instead went back to the street. He did manage to straighten his life up a little and ended up collecting disability insurance after moving to a small town in upstate New York near the Canadian border. I only saw him once during this time when I was able to visit and stay over with him for a week, but I saw that even then he'd hadn't quit drinking as I found him in a bar when I first arrived in town.

As Mike says so elegantly in his post, the path alcohol takes you down is a dead end...in his brother's case, a much too short journey down the path of life; my brother's journey, though longer, led to the same tragic dead end. I fully understand his feelings about seeing others he cares for be spared that pointless journey.

Oh Nuts!... Now What Did I Do Wrong?!

If you're viewing this page, you see something is VERY wrong! I was trying to edit my template to include links to "blogs i read" in the sidebar and after comparing the code from my site and another was able to figure out how and where to place the proper lines of code. But after I published, my main posts were now all stuck at the bottom right. I swear, I never edited anything in the main body!! I was tired, hungry, and sleepy last night when I was doing this, so maybe I did something by accident in my diminshed state of mind. If anyone out there in the Blogverse knows how to fix this, would you please e-mail or IM me if you have the time and try to help me fix this screw-up. I thought I knew a little about computers, but I guess I'm not such a smarty-pants after all!

I would be ever so grateful for any help offered......and umm.....who knows what I might be willing to offer in return?

Upgrade Part 2

The upgrade I spoke about in the previous post continues to function....................
Recently acquired data from another unique individual.........I am beginning to think that the upgrade is indeed functioning as it was meant to........hope to acquire additional data to confirm my hypothesis..........must soon leave to go perform routine daily job functions.......please remain connected to this electronic datastream for further developments......Martron3000 signing off........bleeep......bleeeep.........connection closed.......

When do we get to upgrade?

I went to a computer show yesterday to buy some parts to upgrade my computer. More memory and a new video card. Both installed easily and are working fine. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could upgrade ourselves as easily as as we can our computers? We could delete the old painful memories and remove the hurt feelings and replace them with fresh happy thoughts and shiny new emotions.

Like a well-programmed robot, I've lived much of my life performing the routine duties of life: learning, working, trying to complete my tasks as as efficiently and effectively as my abilities would allow. Recently I have received an upgrade to my programming--an upgrade I thought I never needed or would be of much use to me. That upgrade consists of the friendship of two humans whom I've never met in person or even knew existed. Two remarkable people who are many miles distant from me and with whom I've only communicated through an electronic connection, an efficient method of communnication for robots. However, I think my upgrade may be defective, because since it was installed, I've been experiencing these odd moments that I don't quite understand. At times energized and upbeat, and at other times, de-energized and in a powered-down state. A few times, a strange liquid has leaked from my optical sensors, something I've rarely had happen before. Extensive computational analysis on my part has determined these strange states are something Humans call "emotions". Robots of my design aren't programmed for these strange and somewhat confusing states; should I return this upgrade for replacement? Or maybe it isn't defective at all--maybe this "friendship" upgrade is supposed to function this way. Perhaps feeling upbeat when talking to friends is normal and being down when they're not there is also normal. Should reading about troubles they've had or fun times they've expeienced affect my programming this way? I will have to conduct further investigation into this phenomenom...I'd better keep this upgrade for awhile to determine if it is truly functioning at its optimal level.
Until I finish my computations on this subject, I will remain in electronic contact with these individuals in the hopes of learning more and perhaps even understanding these complex "emotions"--maybe they are useful functions after all! I'm an older model robot but I guess even my programming can be altered by these incredible Humans.

Thanks guys--you know who I'm talking about.