8 June 2006
WASHINGTON, DC -- The US Homeland Security Department raised the National Gay Marriage threat level from "fruity" to "flamboyant" today, in response to increased "gay chatter" intercepted by Intelligence agencies. Secretary Chertoff urged citizens to "be vigilant, and on the lookout for queers", but to keep their daily routines as normal as possible in order to keep the economy strong.
Troops have been complaining of inadequate equipment, but a new device developed by Halliburton could prove to be a breakthrough in the war. The device, called "Gay Detection and Ranging", or simply by its acronym, GAYDAR, is capable of detecting homosexuals within a 100 yard radius. Up till now, accurate detection was possible only at close distances, which too often proved to be too late, with the observer quickly succumbing to sexual gyrations from the gay individual being tracked.