I Am So Screwed !

oh my god the most horrible thing happened tonight i don't know what to do
i'm sweatingand sick-i just throw up a minute ago but i have to try to write this cause iy may be my last post for a very very long time. im so scared and don't kno what to do--i think i may have seriously hurt someone, maybe even killed him
i didn't mean to it was an accident i just freaked out and , i gotta go to the bathroom--i feel sick again

i'm bsck and trying to calm down enough to write this.. let me try to explain what happend . there was this halloween party at a local gay club and I never have been to a club or bar but decided to give it a try eeven tho i was really nervous about going. it was a costume party & i didnt have a cosume but made a kinda lame one wearing all black & putting on this black hooded jacket i have. i also have thgis old battleaxe i've had for years and took that to try top lok like an executioner or something. i know its wasn't very good but i figured what the hell no one will talk to me there sanyways cause i don't know how to talk to people in social events like that. but i forced myself to get redy & go anyway. i have to start going out to meet people sometime i thought so i will force myself-if i don't like it i can leave.


my heart is beating so fast i can barely breathe...i think i may have to leave town and hid eout somewhere til i figure things out but i don't kno where to go. maybe ill go to ny city i can hide there theres' so many people i may be safe. anyway lemme finish this fast before i break down completely --i go the club and its packed of course but i hang around and drink a soda -i don't drink alcohol so i gueass i can't even blame what i did on eing drunk. oh fuck im so terrified i don't know wehat to od. so after about an hour of just standing in a corner by myself not knowing what to do there some guy comes over & says Hi! to me. Now i was really nervous and not only that this guy was so good-looking icouldn't believe he wa s talking to me but then he offers to buy me a drink. i tell hi m iinly drink soda and he's says 'thats cool-i don't drink only beer sometimes'--so here we are and standing there and i dont know what to say or do because i so amazed a hot guy like this would even look at me much leess talk to me..

So like after maybe 30-40 minutes of me being stammering answers to questions he asks and trying to act like a normal person than the lame loser i am, he completely freaks me out by asking "would you like to go to my place, i live nearby". now I'm like stunned cause this has NEVER EVER happened to me and you have to believe me this guy was just so hot i thought this cant br real -i must be dreaming. Ok so i'm realy scared cause i have never been with a guy but i say ok" anyway and off we go. He lived only a few blocks from the club and we gotmthere in about 15 minutes. but iwa s just so nevous i could barely breathe.

So we're in his place and we end up sitting on the couch ane he's doing all the talking-naturally- cuz I'm tongue-tied and don't know what to say. Can't even remember what we talked about i was so surprised to even be there. Then he kind of slips his arm around me and kind of leans in i guess to kiss me nad i am like totally nervous but let him go on. We end up kissing for a bit then he puts his hands on my chest & under my shirt and it feels good but i'm still really scared.. Well i know you want more details but i cant talk no more about it but to say he started getting real aggressive & i start to freak out a little and try to push him away but he gets more & more agressiv and i finally just jump up from the couch to get away because it's moving too fast for me. he trys to coax me back but irefuse & say "look maybe we can get together another time but i'm a little scrared right now we could take it a bit slower maybe.' But then he leaps up and comes towards me & i run & grab my jacket and this bag i carry with me that i carry my keys, radio camera, phone & stuff in-why i bothered to take all this crap to the club i don't know i just always carry this stuff when i go out anywhere.

i also grabbed this battleaxe i had taken as part of my costume and head for his front door to leave but I have trouble unlocking the door to get out. All of a sudde n, he gets really really mad and screams 'where the fuck you think your going-you not leaving til i get a piece of your skinny ass" and he's red in the face and looking really strange and now i am FUCKING scared out of my mind, but i manage to unlatch the door and open it but he jumps at me & grabs my arm to stop me. I'm so terrified without even thinking i swing this axe im holding at him to scare him off but he's closer to me that i thought abnd i end up hitting him right in the face with the ax! oh fuck i say i'm sorry im sorry i didn't mean to hit you' But he's staggers back and falls backwards over this footdstool and crashes into this glass-topped coffee table near the couch. oh my god there was blood like everywhere i and hes just laying thewre and i don't know what to do--i think he's has passed out by i'm so fucking scared i stand ther frozen . But for some reason i dont kno why but i thought maybe i should take a picture of this so i can prove to the police it was an accident i don't know what i was thinking i was too scared to think clear. i get my camera out of my bag & take a couple pics but then i think this is crazy i have to get out of here, so I run out of the apartment and run all the way home, crying & almost puking from fear.

Now im home here but i don't know what to do--should i call the police or dhould i just keep quiet. I don't think anyone saw us leave the club together so no one will know i did this. But i don't know if the guy is still alive or lying there slowly dying--oh god please help me i don't know what to odo--i don't want to go to prison- iwould die there but i don't want to live knowing i killed someone either. i think i'm going to pack a few things and just grab a bus out of toewn tonight and try to think things out somewhere else. but what if this poor guy is stiill lying there bleeding? i know he seemed too agressive towards me but i'm probably just not used to having someone show any interest in me so i overracted,oh fuck i don't kno what to do.

i need to calm dowqn & think this thru thats why i decided to write this to try to clear it up in my mind. I really don't want to run but i don't think the police wi;ll believe it was an accident, and either way-accident or purpose i'll end up in jail anyways..

I've never should have gone out i should just have stayed alone so what if i never get to be with a guy-its not that important anyway. I really srewed up my already crappy life now so this will probably be the las t time i post to this blog--I'll miss all you guys-my blogger buddies, but i know now you will hate me anyway for being such a horrible stupid ass and killing an innocent man just cause i'm so weird and can't re;late to people like a normal person.. but i want to post one last item before i leave town forever..the pic i took of the guy i killed so you know i'm telling the truth...now it's kind of gory but i feel i have to do this..sorry if it scares or offends anyone..

goodbye...forever :( :( :(