Are we all perhaps linked by invisible bonds? Do the actions of one affect others, even if those others are far away? Our lives and the universe itself may be all part of a single mechanism in which all creatures and events are 'entangled' with one another.

Monday, October 31, 2005

I Am So Screwed !

oh my god the most horrible thing happened tonight i don't know what to do
i'm sweatingand sick-i just throw up a minute ago but i have to try to write this cause iy may be my last post for a very very long time. im so scared and don't kno what to do--i think i may have seriously hurt someone, maybe even killed him
i didn't mean to it was an accident i just freaked out and , i gotta go to the bathroom--i feel sick again

i'm bsck and trying to calm down enough to write this.. let me try to explain what happend . there was this halloween party at a local gay club and I never have been to a club or bar but decided to give it a try eeven tho i was really nervous about going. it was a costume party & i didnt have a cosume but made a kinda lame one wearing all black & putting on this black hooded jacket i have. i also have thgis old battleaxe i've had for years and took that to try top lok like an executioner or something. i know its wasn't very good but i figured what the hell no one will talk to me there sanyways cause i don't know how to talk to people in social events like that. but i forced myself to get redy & go anyway. i have to start going out to meet people sometime i thought so i will force myself-if i don't like it i can leave.

my heart is beating so fast i can barely breathe...i think i may have to leave town and hid eout somewhere til i figure things out but i don't kno where to go. maybe ill go to ny city i can hide there theres' so many people i may be safe. anyway lemme finish this fast before i break down completely --i go the club and its packed of course but i hang around and drink a soda -i don't drink alcohol so i gueass i can't even blame what i did on eing drunk. oh fuck im so terrified i don't know wehat to od. so after about an hour of just standing in a corner by myself not knowing what to do there some guy comes over & says Hi! to me. Now i was really nervous and not only that this guy was so good-looking icouldn't believe he wa s talking to me but then he offers to buy me a drink. i tell hi m iinly drink soda and he's says 'thats cool-i don't drink only beer sometimes'--so here we are and standing there and i dont know what to say or do because i so amazed a hot guy like this would even look at me much leess talk to me..

So like after maybe 30-40 minutes of me being stammering answers to questions he asks and trying to act like a normal person than the lame loser i am, he completely freaks me out by asking "would you like to go to my place, i live nearby". now I'm like stunned cause this has NEVER EVER happened to me and you have to believe me this guy was just so hot i thought this cant br real -i must be dreaming. Ok so i'm realy scared cause i have never been with a guy but i say ok" anyway and off we go. He lived only a few blocks from the club and we gotmthere in about 15 minutes. but iwa s just so nevous i could barely breathe.

So we're in his place and we end up sitting on the couch ane he's doing all the talking-naturally- cuz I'm tongue-tied and don't know what to say. Can't even remember what we talked about i was so surprised to even be there. Then he kind of slips his arm around me and kind of leans in i guess to kiss me nad i am like totally nervous but let him go on. We end up kissing for a bit then he puts his hands on my chest & under my shirt and it feels good but i'm still really scared.. Well i know you want more details but i cant talk no more about it but to say he started getting real aggressive & i start to freak out a little and try to push him away but he gets more & more agressiv and i finally just jump up from the couch to get away because it's moving too fast for me. he trys to coax me back but irefuse & say "look maybe we can get together another time but i'm a little scrared right now we could take it a bit slower maybe.' But then he leaps up and comes towards me & i run & grab my jacket and this bag i carry with me that i carry my keys, radio camera, phone & stuff in-why i bothered to take all this crap to the club i don't know i just always carry this stuff when i go out anywhere.

i also grabbed this battleaxe i had taken as part of my costume and head for his front door to leave but I have trouble unlocking the door to get out. All of a sudde n, he gets really really mad and screams 'where the fuck you think your going-you not leaving til i get a piece of your skinny ass" and he's red in the face and looking really strange and now i am FUCKING scared out of my mind, but i manage to unlatch the door and open it but he jumps at me & grabs my arm to stop me. I'm so terrified without even thinking i swing this axe im holding at him to scare him off but he's closer to me that i thought abnd i end up hitting him right in the face with the ax! oh fuck i say i'm sorry im sorry i didn't mean to hit you' But he's staggers back and falls backwards over this footdstool and crashes into this glass-topped coffee table near the couch. oh my god there was blood like everywhere i and hes just laying thewre and i don't know what to do--i think he's has passed out by i'm so fucking scared i stand ther frozen . But for some reason i dont kno why but i thought maybe i should take a picture of this so i can prove to the police it was an accident i don't know what i was thinking i was too scared to think clear. i get my camera out of my bag & take a couple pics but then i think this is crazy i have to get out of here, so I run out of the apartment and run all the way home, crying & almost puking from fear.

Now im home here but i don't know what to do--should i call the police or dhould i just keep quiet. I don't think anyone saw us leave the club together so no one will know i did this. But i don't know if the guy is still alive or lying there slowly dying--oh god please help me i don't know what to odo--i don't want to go to prison- iwould die there but i don't want to live knowing i killed someone either. i think i'm going to pack a few things and just grab a bus out of toewn tonight and try to think things out somewhere else. but what if this poor guy is stiill lying there bleeding? i know he seemed too agressive towards me but i'm probably just not used to having someone show any interest in me so i overracted,oh fuck i don't kno what to do.

i need to calm dowqn & think this thru thats why i decided to write this to try to clear it up in my mind. I really don't want to run but i don't think the police wi;ll believe it was an accident, and either way-accident or purpose i'll end up in jail anyways..

I've never should have gone out i should just have stayed alone so what if i never get to be with a guy-its not that important anyway. I really srewed up my already crappy life now so this will probably be the las t time i post to this blog--I'll miss all you guys-my blogger buddies, but i know now you will hate me anyway for being such a horrible stupid ass and killing an innocent man just cause i'm so weird and can't re;late to people like a normal person.. but i want to post one last item before i leave town forever..the pic i took of the guy i killed so you know i'm telling the it's kind of gory but i feel i have to do this..sorry if it scares or offends anyone..

goodbye...forever :( :( :(

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